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Summertime Sadness...I'm Not Sad Anymore.

7:08 PM

The day I got my license was supposed to be an extremely happy day. But, on that day, on my very first drive by myself... all I wanted to do was crash my car into a tree.

I remember driving home from my friend's house and actually day dreaming about it, as I drove.

Several years before, I would sit in my hot summer bedroom for hours hoping I'd sweat to death. Literally hours in my hot room without eating or drinking, just staring at a wall.

I have so many painful and shameful memories of things I did out of depression.

Sometimes it's hard to remember that I'm not sad anymore. At least, I'm not as sad as I used to be.


I mean, it is legitimately challenging for me to remember that. I hated my life up until this year. Sure, there were good moments and good friends, but mostly I just wanted to die. (Senior year was honestly okay but not great.)

It's hard because I (actually) sometimes forget that I'm happy. It's kind of twisted. Recovery is a long road. It's especially hard being back at home. This room is where I've had some of my darkest "lows." It's weird being home after having a wonderful first year of college. God has provided me amazing friends and people in my life. They truly lift me up and support me. But more than that, I have grown SO much closer to the Lord. (As much as I love my friends, if they all went away I'd be okay because my God is so much greater!)

It's odd being home, and having to remind myself that I'm not depressed. Sure, I'm a little bit lazy and sometimes sad, but I don't want to end my life.

To be honest, my life is far from perfect. My parents got divorced right before I left for college. I didn't have chance to be sad. I'm finally mourning the loss of my family. I'm living in my family house, and yet my family isn't here. I miss my dog. And I also lost friends. So yeah, life isn't easy. And yet, there is a peace that passes all understanding. God grants me that peace. Somehow beyond all logic, I know everything is going to be okay.

It's weird, you know, not being sad. I used to wear a ton of black and hide my face behind a lot of makeup. The girl I am today is so different. I'm still adjusting to it, but I think I like her.

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2 comments

  1. This is so meaningful, Gina. Thanks for sharing.

    ReplyDelete
  2. LOVE YOU YOU CRAZY WONDERFUL PERSON YOU. (:

    ReplyDelete

About me

Regina is a junior at a small college in the middle of nowhere. She dreams of moving to California, painting, writing letters, thrifting, and cuddling with a dog.

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