My Heart Is About to Break.

12:43 PM

I think I need to allow my heart to break so that God can repair it.
And believe me, it's about to break.

I don't trust others very easily. In fact, I've made some really close friendships, yet there existed no trust. Last year I learned that I have a fear of people leaving me. I suppose it's from past experiences as a child. I'm don't want to let people in because I'm afraid they will walk out of my life or change so much that I can't recognize them.

And people do.

There have been several people that I've opened up to and they've left. But we're a broken people, and I can't put my trust in anyone but the Lord.

However, there is this one person who I don't ever want to leave. I have opened up to them and I trust them. But it might happen. Physically, we are going to be apart. And as I fear, we may change and it won't be the same anymore. I'm scared because I trust this person and I want to spend every day with them.

As this year continues there is a high chance that this person will forget about me. They may choose someone over me. My first response to is to numb myself. I don't want to feel the pain. I normally will deactivate all communications with them and try to erase them from my memory. Sometimes I'll try to distract myself away from the hurt.

But as I'm learning, glory is given to God through this pain. He can restore me through this trial. I don't think God wants me to run away from my feelings. I think I have to allow myself to break, so that God can put me back together. 

 Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18

Not only is God near me in my pain, but He finds me worth loving, even when no one else does. So I must find my identity in Christ, not in those around me. 

And yet when (or if) this person leaves me, I will allow myself to be shattered. I will feel the pain because I put my faith in God who will conquer it all. I know I can allow the pain into my life because He will finish His work in my life. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm terrified. I don't want to face my fear. 

But no matter what happens, my identity is found in Christ. 

Lord, please give me peace as my heart tries to condemn me for I know you are greater than my heart and you know everything. (1 John 3:19-20) 

(picture is from Google.)

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  1. Thanks for this, Gina. Your words helped me to see clearly what I have been wrestling with for a long time -- why it is okay to engage in close relationships even if they won't always last. Your answer about how God is glorified even in this pain makes so much sense for the first time!! Love you. :)


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Regina is a junior at a small college in the middle of nowhere. She dreams of moving to California, painting, writing letters, thrifting, and cuddling with a dog.

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