Broken.

1:22 PM

(September 22,2013)

At the beginning of Fall, I wanted to come up with a theme for my semester. I thought it would be something like, restoration, revival, purity, love... but over and over again another word came up.
After some time of prayer and fasting, I realized that my theme, whether I liked it or not, became brokenness.
"Brokenness is what I long for.
Brokenness is what I need."

I never understood that song, but it got me to thinking, do I desire to be broken?

I have seen this theme throughout the season. It has reminded me that I have a difficult time allowing myself to be vulnerable both before the Lord and also with friends. I deeply fear being hurt so I don't allow myself to feel pain. I'm not someone who cries very often, not because I am strong, but because I'm too weak to allow myself to hurt. The root of this problem is fear. Fear of failure, abandonment, exposure, rejection, judgment, and shame.

I don't like putting myself out there because I'm afraid of all the previous things. But in an effort to be more real, I have tried to open my hands and heart to it. Will I get hurt? Probably. But I have to allow myself to be broken so that the Lord can rescue me.

As I open myself up in my community, I am reminded that above all my identity must be found in Christ. It doesn't matter what people think of me, what groups I join, where I spend my time, if my value doesn't come from my savior, then I have no value at all.

Right now, I'm in the middle of a journey. I don't know what kind of pain I'm about to experience or what God has in store for me. So far I've experienced rejection from a guy, failure in academics, abandonment from friends, exposure of my faults, and pain in my broken family. All this aside, God is my strength.

In an attempt to be authentic, I hope to continue to share what the Lord is teaching me and molding me to become.

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About me

Regina is a junior at a small college in the middle of nowhere. She dreams of moving to California, painting, writing letters, thrifting, and cuddling with a dog.

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