Snow in Autumn

3:46 PM

(December 4,2013) I never understood it... why people hurt themselves. I had never cut myself or self harmed in anyway, and I didn't understand what would motivate people to do such things. But, October, October was a month where I understood.

My favorite month of the year, ironically was a very challenging time for me. October is depression awareness month, which makes sense since it's the biggest month for depression. [My dad is a psychiatric nurse practitioner and he says he sees more patients with depression in October than any other time.]

There was no rhyme or reason for it, but the depression came over like a fog. I went from being motivated, happy, excited about the future-- to having no desire to live. It took everything in me to get up in the morning. Things I normally enjoyed seemed pointless. I didn't want to be at this college anymore, but I also didn't want to be anywhere anymore. More than anything, I just wanted to cry.

I'm not your typical girl who can cry at the drop of a hat or at a really sad romantic movie. In fact, I can't even cry when I'm truly sad.

This October, I was in so much pain. I had lost all desire to breathe and it scared me. I wanted to feel something. It was that night that I understood why people cut themselves.

I had just come back from visiting a friend and planned to spend a relaxing evening in my room. The dorm was quiet and still. I had a really good day, actually a really good week. But, for some reason I felt dark and lonely. Alone in my room for hours, thoughts began to take over my mind. In an moment of desperation, I grabbed a tack on my bulletin board. Slowly, I pushed it into the skin on my stomach. Nothing. I felt nothing. I did a couple more times but nothing changed. Listen to me when I say that I don't struggle with this particular issue. I don't have any desire for self-harm, but I know people who do. We all face different battles. The point is, this October I got so low where I was desperate for any solution. 

Here's the kicker. I am not supposed to struggle like this. I'm a Christian. I'm a Bible major. I'm a mentor to middle school and high school students. I'm in college. I'm a camp counselor. I write this blog! And yet... I struggle. We all do, no matter who we are.

This semester God gave me brokenness. I never realized how much it could hurt. Time and time again, God uses brokenness to bring glory to Himself and healing to His people. 

For instance, consider Isaiah 6. At this point, Isaiah describes himself as lost, sinful, and living in a world full of bad people. An angel tells Isaiah that his sin is atoned for, and God asks, "who can I send to the people?" Isaiah-- broken and lost says, "send me." 

It is through Isaiah becoming low, that the Lord is lifted up. He uses us at our breaking points and allows us to be apart of His good work.

Later in Isaiah 57:15:
 'For thus says the One who is high and lifted up,
    who inhabits eternity, whose name is Holy:
“I dwell in the high and holy place,
    and also with him who is of a contrite and lowly spirit,
to revive the spirit of the lowly,

    and to revive the heart of the contrite.'

The Lord is with us. During the good and the bad, He is faithful. 

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  1. Hey, thanks for this Gina. It's so hard to be completely open and vulnerable about our stumbles, but know that you're helping ppl deal with their own by writing yours down for others to read and ponder through. You're wonderful, and so loved :)


About me

Regina is a junior at a small college in the middle of nowhere. She dreams of moving to California, painting, writing letters, thrifting, and cuddling with a dog.

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